Taking Care of Yourself. Intimately.

As a medical doctor, I try to provide a place where uncomfortable or unfamiliar topics can be discussed in an open, honest way, without inhibitions or worries about “what people might think.” For lots of people, both men and women, self-stimulation or masturbation falls into that “uncomfortable” category. Some of the myths surrounding masturbation—like it causing blindness or hair to grow on the practitioner’s hands—have faded, thank heavens! But there’s still a lingering perception, I find, that self-stimulation is somehow less acceptable for women than for men.

For post-menopausal women, self-stimulation is especially helpful, whether or not they have partners. It can solve problems with vaginal dryness or tightness: Stimulation causes your clitoris to swell, helping to maintain healthy blood flow to the walls of the vagina, which in turn can help keep your vagina open, strong and responsive. (It’s the old “use or it lose it” rule.)

If vaginal dryness or tightness is a problem, self-stimulation can also be a way to temporarily feel sexually satiated if intercourse is too painful. I say “temporarily” because I don’t recommend that you think of it as the solution to painful intercourse. Always seek medical attention if you’re experiencing any kind of vaginal pain, because there are lots of remedies.

Another benefit of stimulating yourself is the way it helps you to get to know your own body and what satisfies you best. As hormone levels decrease and effect other changes in your body, what’s worked in the past may not be as satisfying now. It’s great to be able to experiment with your partner to find your new best experience, but that’s not always possible, for all kinds of complicated reasons. Old habits die hard, and either you or your partner may feel tense or intimidated about changing things up. You can experiment to see what works for you and then share that knowledge with your partner to make your sex lives more mutually satisfying.

If you don’t currently have a sex partner, self-stimulation is a great way to enjoy the side benefits of sex, like tension and stress release and the feeling of calm and relaxation that immediately follows a sexual session. Fantasy can be a fun part of it; picture yourself with a former lover—or George Clooney (or Dean Martin… or… you tell us!). And taking care of yourself in this way keeps open the possibilities in case you do find yourself in a relationship again. In my decades of practice, I’ve learned never to say never!

If your sex life is suffering from other issues—a rough time in your relationship or it seems too hard to get your love life back on the right track—I caution patients against replacing intimacy with a partner with self-stimulation. It may be the “easy” thing to do, but it can compound problems if you turn to self-stimulation instead of your partner for satisfaction.

Self-stimulation is a normal part of a healthy sex life. At this point in our lives, the last person we need to be shy with is ourselves. Who knows what we’ll learn?