I’m not sure which "tightening product" you’ve seen. The only way to tighten the vagina is to tighten the surrounding muscles. Kegel exercises (we give instructions on our website) target the muscles of the pelvic floor. And many women find that exercise tools (like vaginal weights or a barbell) helps them be sure they’re flexing the right muscles. I also recommend the Intensity Pelvic Tone Vibrator, which uses a combination of electrical pulses and vibration to build pelvic tone.
The sexual arousal creams and gels are effective, and beneficial to most women who use them. Like our category of “warming lubricants and oils,” they typically use an ingredient like menthol, mint, or pepper to stimulate circulation, which increases responsiveness during intimacy. Read the instructions for the product you intend to use, to be sure you understand whether it’s for internal or only external use; lubricants are generally safe for internal tissues.
Arousal and warming products have the potential to cause some irritation for those women with significant atrophy, or thinning of the vulvovaginal tissues. I recommend applying a small amount to the genitals in advance of sex to make sure it’s comfortable and pleasurable.
Intrarosa is a new product for treating vaginal atrophy, approved by the FDA in November of 2016. It will be available by prescription only; it’s not yet in pharmacies but is likely to be later in 2017. The clinical trials for Intrarosa are favorable for treating vaginal atrophy, or genitourinary syndrome of menopause causing painful intercourse. It is an adrenal hormone, prasterone (dehydroepiandrosterone), formulated as a once-a-day vaginal insert.
MonaLisa Touch is a laser treatment for vaginal atrophy, also known as genitourinary syndrome of menopause. I explained the treatment option in a blog post a few months ago.
The treatment is quite effective for most patients, but it is costly. As a new procedure, it’s not covered by most insurance companies; without insurance coverage the expense (cost varies by region, but figure $1,500 to $2,000 for the three required treatments) is a limitation for many. The procedure needs to be updated regularly, probably about once a year for most women.
We also lack long-term data on its efficacy and side effects. We are very hopeful the clinical trials will soon be available to assure its effectiveness and safety.
“Midlife: when the Universe grabs your shoulders and tells you “I’m not f-ing around, use the gifts you were given.” —Brene Brown
I don’t know about you, but I love seeing old people in love. The way they hold hands toddling down the street. The way they go about their daily tasks having made peace with the past. I think it’s a miracle when love lasts this long and ages this gracefully.
Relationships encounter lots of challenges in the course of a lifetime, but from my own observations, which are supported by the data, the midlife transition, that somewhat fraught passage, is nothing to sneeze at. Menopause aside, the awareness of time passing often arrives unexpectedly and with surprising intensity, leading both men and women to make decisions that belie common sense, compared to which the red Corvette might be among the most benign. For example, the highest divorce rates from 1990 to 2010 occurred among couples over 50, according to this study. Concurrently, co-habitation rates among over-50s tripled from 2000 to 2013.
Whatever the cause—longer lifespan, greater economic freedom for women especially, cultural change—the fact is that something shifts when folks approach that midlife marker, and it’s often the woman who agitates for change.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Periodic reevaluation and readjustment is healthy. So is honestly confronting ingrained habits and responses that ultimately stifle intimacy and deflect communication. Like a vintage car, most lengthy relationships require a major or minor tune-up now and then.
Still, midlife often opens a Pandora’s box of restlessness and dissatisfaction—the perennial is this all there is? What happened to the passion? Am I missing out? Do I really have to endure the quirks and habits of this individual for the rest of my life? What is really important? What dreams have I buried?
Those existential questions herald an important crossroad—the frontier between youth and maturity. With regard to your most intimate relationship, you can:
Major life transitions should never be done in haste. They deserve a considerable degree of mature reflection. We all know people who make fast and sometimes rash decisions in the throes of passion or as a desperate attempt to seize a day that appears to be slipping away. Amid the landmines of midlife, the baby is sometimes thrown out with the bathwater.
Here’s a little reality check.
However irresistible the urge, don’t blow up your life. Wait. Reflect. Seek counsel. The demand to create something more authentic, to realize cherished dreams is real and should be honored. But the best path forward probably isn’t over the shattered pieces of your present life.
You still have time. You can still seek your bliss, optimize potential, maybe with more freedom and effectiveness now that the kids are grown and you’re more self-confident. Start a business. Learn Chinese. Travel. The world is your oyster—just in a different shell than when you were younger.
Romantic passion is a landmine. Passion is powerful, blinding, and temporary. You can’t make good decisions in its throes. And even the most incredibly passionate relationship will inevitably fade with the demands of daily life. White-hot passion doesn’t last; it’s not meant to. And when reality checks in, the dirty socks on the floor look the same. Trust me on this one.
Talk to someone if you need to. A therapist. A friend. You can’t see things clearly (even if you think you can). Trust the counsel of someone wise and objective.
Don’t freeze out your partner. However restless and unsettled you may feel, your partner is probably not the enemy. You want to elicit support, not resistance. Anyone would feel threatened when cracks appear in the foundation of a secure life. Anyone would feel uncomprehending and maybe hurt. If, however, you are able to communicate what you’re feeling, even if it’s confused and incoherent, at least there’s a bridge rather than a canyon.
“This too shall pass,” writes blogger Deb Blum in this article. “It will pass more gracefully and completely if everyone is gentle and loving and gives the space necessary to get through this time.”
And that study about over-50 divorce rate also found that the longer a marriage lasts, the less likely it is to end in divorce. So those old folks holding hands in the park? The real deal.
You can’t really tighten your vagina. What you can do is tighten your pelvic floor muscles, which surround the vagina. We offer a variety of products designed to help you improve pelvic floor tone, as well as instructions on how to do Kegel exercises.
There are some laser treatments that have been offered to tighten the vagina. They’re relatively new treatment options, and the outcomes seem quite variable.
You say you reached menopause (one year without a period) six years ago. Sex has become painful, and you want to “get it back.”
It’s never too late! Using a vaginal moisturizer may be of some benefit, but if you’ve had pain for several years, you may need a prescription treatment option to restore comfort. There are localized estrogens and Osphena (a non-hormonal option) that are very effective at restoring vaginal health. I have a patient who had not had intercourse in over 25 years. Within 3 months of treatment she was able to resume--and enjoy--intercourse! It is absolutely possible.
I would recommend going to a physician/provider who can do a careful exam and confirm the cause of the pain. Atrophy is the most common reason for painful intercourse after menopause, but there can be other causes as well; identifying the right cause makes all the difference to effective treatment.
With effort and follow-through it is nearly always possible to successfully restore the ability to have intercourse.
You describe having been on bioidentical hormones for a number of years, as well as having had a complete hysterectomy. There are a number of variables that contribute to this mystery.
A couple of thoughts: Are you using testosterone with your hormone therapy? The ability to arouse and orgasm, as well as drive, is influenced by testosterone for some women. Not all women get an improvement in sexual function with the use of testosterone. If you aren’t using testosterone, you may want to have a conversation with your provider about adding it. Virtually all women over 50 have low testosterone, and having ovaries removed is a big factor in low testosterone.
Second, are you using compounded hormone therapy (HT)? I see so much variation in the dosing and absorption of compounded HT that I almost always recommend a pharmaceutical bioidentical HT. I just see so much more consistency in symptom relief.
There is also a relatively new supplement, called Stronvivo, that I have had some great successes with women. They’ve used it--and it’s been tested--for improved sex drive, lubrication, and more. A neuropsychiatrist in my community is recommending Stronvivo for improved memory, too!)
And there’s one more newer product, the Fiera arouser, that’s been very helpful for many women with arousal (and orgasm). It’s promoted as helpful for “before play,” increasing circulation and lubrication.
I hope some combination of these suggestions solves your mystery!
You’re concerned that your penis is short, and that since it sometimes slips out during intercourse, you may not be satisfying your wife. The good news for you is that most women--about 70 percent--can’t achieve orgasm only with intercourse. That means it’s unlikely that your size is at fault or you’re doing something “wrong.”
Penetration is not required stimulation for most women; instead, what they need is direct clitoral touch and stimulation, whether by hand, tongue, or vibrator. I’d recommend that you ask your wife what she prefers to feel pleasure and experience orgasm.
She may very well already know! The sooner you talk about it, the sooner you’ll both be more satisfied. If she’s not sure herself, she can do some exploration herself--or you can explore as a couple. And you can participate fully, knowing that your size doesn’t need to be an issue for either of you.
You say you haven’t been able to have sex with my husband for about a year. You’ve seen a couple of health care providers: One prescribed an estrogen cream, which wasn’t effective, and the other saw nothing “physically wrong” and, since you’re not yet menopausal, recommended lubricants.
What you describe--a feeling of “tearing” or “burning” at penetration--sounds to me like the condition of vulvodynia (also know as vestibulodynia, provoked vulvodynia/vestibulodynia). The classic description is “burning and tearing” pain with penetration; other descriptors are razor blades or sandpaper-rubbing with penetration. Often, sex leaves women with this condition sore or uncomfortable. Vestibulodynia is an under-recognized cause of painful intercourse, and you’re not alone in receiving ineffective advice.
You express reservations about going to another doctor to talk about this issue. I know it’s difficult to bring up, and it doesn’t feel worth the effort if you don’t get solutions for intimacy. But you do need a provider who is familiar with vestibulodynia and knows the treatment options--because it is treatable and you can be intimate with your husband again.
I recommend finding a provider in your area through the North American Menopause Society (link to their practitioner locator here) or through the International Society of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH) (link to their provider search here). If you choose to use the ISSWSH directory, note that the listing includes therapists as well, so be sure to select a physician who does clinical care and can provide the proper examination and treatment.
Please do follow through to find someone qualified to provide treatment. You don’t have to leave this part of intimacy with your husband behind.