We had a focus group a couple of weeks ago, a gathering of women to check in on what’s on women’s minds. One of the questions we asked was to whom women talked about sex—beyond their partners—and about any sexual health questions they might have. The answers were just as varied as I thought they might be. One woman said she’d talk to a stranger on an airplane—someone to whom she could say, “See you never!” Another woman has a group of long-term friends who she says frequently talk about any part of life—including sex.
I remember sex as a subject of great interest and fascination when I was very young—whispers, conjectures, a lot of mis-information and tall tales. By high school, we knew more, the better informed among us bringing along the uninformed. In college, we received a great deal more detail as data from actual, rather than fictional, experimentation became more commonplace.
It may be marriage that closes our mouths. We may be willing to share exploits or guess at sex before we choose our mates, but once we do, the walls of privacy go up, and silence rules our sexual lives. Or maybe we’re susceptible to the cultural messages that suggest that older women plus sex equals nonstarter. Maybe we’re embarrassed, as we approach and pass into menopause, that we’ve got “symptoms”; we don’t want to become Great Aunt Tessie, who shared her upper-GI details at every family gathering.
I buy the privacy reason, the loyalty to one’s partner. But I reject the cultural messages and the embarrassment. We should allow nothing to get in the way of our opportunities to continue to learn and explore, and to find reliable sources of information and aid when things aren’t working. Because, let’s face it, most of us weren’t trained in sexual techniques—or even anatomy. We need information as we grow and change sexually, and most particularly during menopause, when our bodies, while still miraculous and powerful, are less predictable and consistent.
So, please. Talk. As a reserved Midwesterner, I’m not sure I recommend raising the topic with your fellow passengers on airplanes—but far be it from me to discourage you. Talk to your partner about how your experience is changing. Talk to your friends to compare notes—and recommendations for health care practitioners or websites or books you find helpful. Talk to your health care provider, and be sure s/he is listening. Join us on Facebook or Twitter. Use our Ask Dr. Barb button, front and center on our website; you’ll get a private, personal answer and may inspire a future blog post Q&A.
Dr. Barb DePree, M.D., has been a gynecologist and women’s health provider for almost 30 years and a menopause care specialist for the past ten.