Betty Dodson: The Clitoris Queen

“It’s not fair that women don’t get to orgasm.” 
—Betty Dodson, sex innovator and activist

So, for all of us who’ve ever faked an orgasm. For all of us who came late to the dependable power of the clitoris. For all of us still trying to maintain capacity, potency, and sexual vitality. 

For all of us, there is Betty Dodson. 

She was ribald and norm-busting. She was an art student who was raised on a farm in Kansas with three brothers. She was one of a vanguard of feminist women (read about the others in our series here and here) who found their stride and their calling in the sexual revolution in the 1970s. She celebrated sex of all kinds, but focused on the special role of the clitoris in female orgasm. She died this year at 91 on Halloween morning, just as outspoken and bawdy as she had lived. “We need to embrace death like it’s our final orgasm,” she said in 2014. 

Of course Betty migrated to New York City from the farm to work as an artist. Kansas could not contain a personality the size of Betty. After participating in several sexual swap meets, she noticed that even the most uninhibited, free-loving women struggled to orgasm. Thus began Betty’s focus on the clitoris and its ability to allow women to dependably orgasm and to release them from dependence on men for sex. She developed a workshop to teach women about their own body parts as well as how to masturbate effectively—the Bodysex workshops. And thus began her life’s “work” of modeling unapologetic, unbounded sexuality. 

Betty Dodson quote

The workshops were a place for women to overcome embarrassment and body-shame and to experiment with pleasuring themselves. Clinical studies suggest that they continue to have a 93 percent success rate in helping anorgasmic women achieve orgasm, not just by experimenting with clitoral stimulation but by confronting “repressed shame, guilt, and other negative feelings associated with body, genitals, and sexuality, and the repressed sexual pleasure and desire,” according to an article in Jezebel

She also gave sex a wide-open, shame-free space to roam. She described herself as a “heterosexual, bisexual lesbian.” She enjoyed a 10-year affair with a man 50 years younger (which she broke off because she didn’t want to be another Hugh Hefner) and ended her life with Carlin Ross, 47, her  business partner with whom she demonstrated the Bodysex masturbation method live on camera while filming series 3 of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop Lab Netflix series. 

During the segment, she corrected Paltrow’s emphasis on the vagina as the source of sexual pleasure for women. When Paltrow enthuses that the vagina is her favorite subject (her company sells a candle that is supposed to smell like her vagina), Dodson interrupts: “The vagina’s the birth canal only. You wanna talk about the vulva, which is the clitoris and the inner lips and all that good s*** around it.”

While most of us, who still live on a metaphoric farm somewhere, can’t quite follow Dodson in her naked masturbation workshops and few-holds-barred sexual experimentation, we can all be grateful for her promotion of the clitoris to celebrity status. 

As you may have noticed, this is the approach we espouse at MiddlesexMD as well. Whether you use it for self-pleasure or to enhance variety during couple sex, it helps keep all your sexual organs responsive, hydrated, and healthy, and it puts women on an equal footing in the sexual sphere—we can take care of ourselves just like a man. 

There is also something to be said for a healthy, shame-free enjoyment of sex and our own bodies. For an example, look no further than Betty.  

Sleep! We’re in Favor.

If you’re wearing a Fitbit to bed, like a patient I saw last week, you might be seeing pretty colored charts that confirm just exactly how poorly you slept last night. And if you’re like her, it may only be increasing your stress about what you already know: You’re tired! You’d like to sleep through the night!

Yes, as you’re likely tired of hearing, it’s hormones. Estrogen and progesterone are in decline, and the mix of hormones (add cortisol, the “stress hormone” to the cocktail, too) may be less friendly to sleep than it once was. Hot flashes, which can happen day or night, come with a surge of adrenaline, from which you need to recover before you can settle back to sleep.

What you're thinking of in the middle of the night is spam. Delete it!A few of the people I’ve talked to for The Fullness of Midlife, our podcast, have had some light to shed on our sleeplessness. Joan Vernikos, a retired NASA health science researcher, says sleep is “like a cleaning service in an office. ...The cleaning service starts out by emptying the garbage cans, by tidying up, picking up—and that’s what happens with the brain during sleep in the various cycles. If you wake up and you don’t sleep well, not only are you going to make mistakes the next day, but you’re not going to detox your brain.”

Menopause can sometimes bring its own befuddlement, right? Memory lapses. Foggy thinking. Well, add in some sleep deprivation and a brain in desperate need of a “detox,” and you can imagine a day that you’d rather forget.

Another podcast guest, Dr. Pamela Peeke, gave us a pep talk about making “sleep hygiene” a priority. She points out the relationship between sleep and diet: We’re much better able to be in control of our appetite—not because we lack self-discipline but because of busy hormones at work in our bodies—when we’re well-rested.

Make “sleep hygiene” a priority? Well, it sounds good. And there’s plenty of reason to do it, from easier healthy eating to clear-headed days. Here’s what it takes:

  • Make your bedroom comfortable for sleep. Is it dark enough? Cool enough? You might want to layer your bedding like you layer your outerwear for a hike on an early spring day—so both you and your partner can be comfortable throughout the night. Consider white noise if sounds are keeping you awake. If now is not the time to invest in your good sleep, when is?
  • Exercise. To patients in my office, I recommend 45 minutes five days a week of real exercise—walking, swimming, biking. Something that gets the heart-rate up. If some part of that can be outdoors, even better, because natural light helps us with our sleep-wake cycles. Get it in early, so you can avoid exercise in the three hours just before bedtime.
  • Stay awake during the day. I know it’s tempting to nap when you’re not sleeping well at night. But napping for more than 20 to 30 minutes can make it more difficult to sleep deeply overnight, which is when that brain detoxing Joan talked about happens.
  • Ease away from stimulants and heavy foods. The effect of caffeine can change as our bodies change. And the relaxing effect of alcohol wakes us up later when we’re metabolizing it. Digesting heavy foods can do the same.
  • De-stress generally, but especially as part of a pre-bed routine. Excess stress is a health challenge for us at any age. While it’s unlikely you can eliminate stress from your life, you can at least develop some routines for putting it in its place before you turn in for the night. Set a routine—yoga for relaxation, reading a novel, writing in a gratitude journal, taking a hot bath—that signals that it’s time to settle down. Avoid screens in the hour before bed, especially contentious text or Facebook exchanges or upsetting documentaries. And remember what Joan said when you’re churning at night: “What you’re thinking of in the middle of the night is spam. Delete it! You can’t do anything about it.”

A perhaps unexpected side effect? Since stress and fatigue are two of the three most common obstacles to sex (the third is lack of privacy), you just might find yourself with a little more romance in your life.

Makes “sleep hygiene” sound a little sexy.

January 22, 2018

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The MiddlesexMD Life Reinvention Project: Step 2

In the last post, we examined where we are right now in life in order to identify where we might want to be in the future: the health of our bodies, our spirits, and our relationships as well as the dreams or passions we have not yet pursued (or maybe even identified).

With this in hand, let’s move on:

Step #2. Same drill. Quiet place; journal in hand. Read through your initial entry. Anything to add or edit? Does it still feel honest?

What leaps out at you from your work? Do you notice any patterns—boredom and overeating; stress and impatience; lack of self-assertion and a feeling of victimhood?

Did you identify something you always wanted to pursue or to learn? Are there disappointments you uncovered? Are some elements of your life story simply incomprehensible to you—how did you end up here, you ask?

Sit with these for a minute. What tugs at your heart? What calls to you? What sounds absolutely awful or completely thrilling? What needs a closer look?

Also read over your assessment of your primary relationships. Any action plan needed here? Fences that need mending or habits that need adjusting?

You aren’t writing anything, necessarily. You’re just noticing habits, patterns, ways of thinking, and how yesterday’s work makes you feel today.

Now. Begin creating your reinvention plan. This is the eulogy moment. What do you want people to say about you after you die? How do you want to feel about your one and only life? Begin to articulate the big, sine qua non items. The ones you cannot die without having accomplished. Make a list of them. Not an overwhelming list—the top three or four. The big ones.

Choose one. This is your project for this year. And maybe for next year. If it’s that important, you may work on it for the rest of your life. Break this goal down into manageable steps that you can start doing tomorrow. What’s the first step, then the second? Travel to Africa? You’ll start by researching your options with the goal of having a plan in place this year. Lose 35 pounds permanently? Research your options with a goal of having identified a realistic, lifelong approach this week that you can begin practicing next week. Learn how to play the flute? You’ll need to find an instrument and a teacher…

Next, review those primary relationships—kids, extended family, spouse. Have you identified tendencies to work on? Habits to develop or break? Relationships that need attention? Relationships that need special nourishment or a new approach?

Don’t overlook the one relationship that is most critical to your longevity and quality of life. “If you’re in a happy marriage, you will tend to live longer. That’s perhaps as important as not smoking, which is to say: huge,” says Lyle Ungar, one of the researchers of that data-driven longevity calculator I mentioned in the first post. Knowing that someone in the world knows you intimately, loves you, and has your back adds measurably to quality of life. It makes sense, then, to focus especially on this relationship in your life review—to test its soundness and ponder how it might be strengthened.

List one or two specific steps you can take immediately that will make any of these relationships stronger. Also write down one or two habits or personality traits that impede them—that you should work to change.  

With a path identified (for the year, at least) and the initial steps delineated, you’re ready to begin. Let me just add the wisdom of a few professionals and life-reinventers who have walked this path before.

Practice gratitude. Every day.  “…allow yourself to be grateful for the things you…have. Anger is never inspirational but gratitude is,” writes the best-selling albeit hyperactive author, James Altucher.

Goals, such as those you just articulated are important because “if you don't have long-term goals, you run the risk of doing lots of little things every day—cleaning the house, sending emails, catching up on TV—without ever making a contribution to your future,” says Art Markman, psychology professor and author in this article.

Stay flexible. Change is never static. Reinvention is an ongoing process. You’ll have to rinse and repeat again next year (or next month) to make sure the goals you set today are still relevant and important and that your progress is unfolding according to plan. “Too often, we give up just when we need to push harder, and persist when we actually should quit,” writes one author.

Change is never easy. Expect setbacks; anticipate resistance. Anything really challenging and worthwhile will take time to accomplish, so if it’s really important, don’t shortchange yourself. Persevere through the tough spots. “The most successful self-reinventors are those who understand that they have time and are willing to use it to invest in their own skills and education,” writes this author.

Declutter. Yes, you read that right. Downsizing, clearing out, cleaning up can feel both psychologically freeing and is also metaphorically linked to ridding your life of things that hold you back—mental clutter, too many commitments and obligations, relationships that are buzz-kills or worse, according to Margaret Manning, blogger and creator of sixtyandme.

There. You did it. I hope you feel empowered or at least optimistic. You should now have a roadmap for the months ahead. I’d love to hear how the project is working for you and if you have suggestions to refine it.

Good luck.

The Fullness of MidlifeNeed inspiration? Some of our “The Fullness of Midlife” podcasts are on topic: Lesley Jane Seymour on reinvention, Kate Convissor on overcoming fears, Deborah Robinson on appreciating our own bodies and treating them wellI, Joan Vernikos on how movement keeps us capable.   

 

 

January 18, 2018

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Reinvent Yourself This New Year: Step 1

I had a shock the other day.

In an unguarded moment, I ran across one of those life expectancy calculators. You know, the kind that will tell you how many years you have left on earth after 10 minutes of softball questions.

Basically, I believe that predicting how long you’ll live is a fool’s errand—any of us could get hit by alien laser rays or a schoolbus tomorrow. But my data-driven heart was sucked in by this calculator, which was developed by professors at the University of Pennsylvania Wharton School and based on 400,000 data samples collected by the National Institutes of Health and the AARP.

Now, I know that I fall in a healthy category for weight, activity level, and absence of chronic disease. But, still, the results shocked me.

Ninety-six. My estimated life expectancy is 96.

This is enough time to live a second adult life. This is enough time to start another career or follow a dream or pursue a passion. This is not enough time to waste.

So, that’s the challenge I put before you (and myself) this January: the macro view; the life-reinvention perspective. Because no matter how much time we have (or think we have), why squander it in self-defeating, fearful ways? Or simply by drifting through a handful of years without direction?

Reinvention isn’t a quick-fix project; it isn’t a lose-five-pounds resolution. It’s a project we could (and should) work on for the rest of our lives, periodically reviewing and adjusting our goals to see if they still fit.

Now—today—is a good time to start.  So I put before you the proprietary MiddlesexMD Reinvention Project. Ready?

Step #1. Take stock. No shortcuts here. Sit yourself down somewhere quiet. Open to the first page of the Reinvention journal that you bought for this occasion. (You did get one, didn’t you?) Today’s task is to examine the important aspects of your life. As realistically and objectively as possible. You can’t envision a new you without a solid understanding of who you are now, right?

How’s your health? (Obviously my first question.) Are you content with how you feel? How do you feel about your eating/exercising habits? Your weight? Your overall mobility? Your blood pressure and cholesterol levels? Your mental acuity? Do not indulge in guilt or leap to quick, feel-good resolutions, just assess your physical self realistically.

How’s your spirit? Do you feel lonely? Optimistic? Afraid? Content? Discontent? Restless? Do a full-spirit wellness scan. Are the physical and spiritual linked in some way—being overweight and depressed, for example? Are you handicapped by free-floating fears or anxieties? Does stress nibble at the corners of your life—or maybe devour the whole enchilada? Do you feel unsettled and discontent or grateful and happy?

What is the source of your greatest joy or satisfaction? What are you good at? What are you happiest doing? Where does your passion—or your pleasure or your interest—lie? What have you always wanted to attempt? Do you have dreams that you decided had passed you by or that you are too afraid to try? Is there anything you would regret not having done before you die?

Examine the health of your most important relationships. Our closest relationships are the sources of our greatest joy and satisfaction as well as our greatest heartbreak and frustration. We expend a lot of  energy repressing, denying, or making excuses for broken relationships, whether with family, lovers, or friends. Does this sound true for you?

Are you keeping up with friends and loved ones, or have you let important relationship wither on the vine? We also sometimes endure relationships that kill our spirits, that are toxic to our psyche and sometimes our bodies. Resolve now to examine them with a clear eye. You don’t have to do anything today except be honest with yourself.

Write it all down in the journal. This is the first day of your new you.

Okay. Take a deep breath. You’re done for today.

The Fullness of MidlifeNeed inspiration? Some of our “The Fullness of Midlife” podcasts are on topic: Lesley Jane Seymour on reinvention, Amy Eller on intentional life design, Druscilla French on understanding ourselves.

 

Got that “Not-So-Fresh” Feeling?

Humankind has been trying to cover up its natural odor ever since we crawled out of the cave. Maybe this made sense when bathing was considered dangerous and soap was made from animal fat and wood ash. But in our obsessively hygienic and more enlightened time, why all the fuss about odor, specifically that of our nether regions? And why all the products meant to make our bottoms smell like a spring breeze, whatever that means? (Watch this Saturday Night Live clip for a hilarious take on the topic.)

As far as I can tell, these products follow a long, inglorious line of more or less successfully convincing women that they stink. In a 1930s ad, the “Love Quiz” asks why her man is avoiding his lovely wife’s embrace. The answer is that he’s no longer happy in the marriage because she’s neglected “proper feminine hygiene.”

The solution? “Every wife can hold her lovable charm simply by using ‘Lysol’ disinfectant as an effective douche.” Yeah, that Lysol.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Eighty-odd years later, have we really come such a long way? We may not be squirting floor cleaner up our yoni, but there are no lack of products on the market to camouflage our natural odor. Now, just as back in the day, the intent is to make us feel self-conscious and embarrassed about ourselves. To shame us into buying products we don’t need and that sometimes aren’t good for us.

Dr. Barb's book, Yes You Can: "Sound, reassuring, medically approved advice."Our vaginas don’t smell like a spring breeze, nor should they. Our vaginal smell comes from a delicate balance of certain bacteria called lactobacill—the same bacteria found in yogurt. When you think about it, a natural vaginal odor has that same slight pungency. In the vagina, lactobacilli produce lactic acid and hydrogen peroxide, to give us a slightly acidic garden that works with our bodily ecosystem to keep out bad bacteria and the fungi (yeast) that produce the really smelly stuff, sometimes accompanied by a ferocious, burning itch.

While our vaginas are quite resilient, if enough lactobacilli are killed off by medication, those nice-smelling douches, excessive sugar in our diet (encouraging sugar-loving yeast), trapped moisture in our crotch, or even blood or semen, which are fairly alkaline, the resulting bacterial mash-up can cause both odor (fishy or foul) and itch.

In that case, your doctor may advise treating the bacterial or fungal infection or using an over-the-counter product, like Balance Moisturizing Personal Wash, to restore the natural pH balance in your vagina.  

Vaginal smell can also be affected by:

  • Sweat glands. We have a lot of them in the crotch area—the same kind as those in our armpits. Just so you know, sweat is basically odorless, but the bacteria living on our skin like our sweaty selves and produce yet another substance that gives sweat its distinctive odor. Wear cotton panties, take a shower, and change underwear after a workout. Let your crotch breathe—don’t wear tight clothes or pantyhose; go pantless when you can.
  • Medications. Obviously, antibiotics can change vaginal flora. If you take antibiotics, ask your doctor about replacing vaginal (and gut) flora with probiotics, yogurt, or RepHresh. Antihistamines can dry the vagina. Some herbal therapies can change vaginal odor.
  • Foods. If certain foods, such as asparagus, garlic, or curry, make your urine smell, they could also affect vaginal smell. No reason not to eat them, they just create a temporary odor.
  • Hormonal changes. The vagina is exceptionally sensitive to hormonal changes, as you probably know all too well. Menstruation, hormone therapies, birth control, even sex can change the bacterial garden. Loss of estrogen during menopause makes vaginal tissue thin and dry, thus more susceptible to bacterial and yeast infection. With menopause, we may have to adjust our vaginal housekeeping somewhat with regular use of vaginal moisturizers, topical estrogen, and sexual lubricants.

Left to its own devices, our vaginas are hardy and self-sufficient. They wash away dead cells and grow new ones. They don’t require special hygienic measures—just the normal shower wash of the external parts with warm water and a gentle soap. Just make sure the soap is fragrance-free and not antibacterial.

I’m betting that by now most of us have grown comfortable enough in our own skins and with our own natural smells not to be overly influenced by commercial messaging. Not that it is any less relentless, nor is there any lack of products and procedures to alter our appearance. By and large, we’ve just become wiser and less susceptible to the barrage. So maybe pass along the message to our younger sisters that they are beautiful and smell fine just the way they are.  

July 31, 2017

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exercise ›   self-care ›   weight ›  


Menopausal Weight Gain: Fighting Back with Exercise

In previous posts, we discussed why menopausal weight gain is such a game-changer, and we explored how to limit the damage through dietary changes. Now, we’ll talk about the second critical key for maintaining—or regaining—a healthy weight after menopause.

You know what I’m gonna say.

Exercise. Not only does a regular exercise regimen help you burn more calories, which is what weight loss is all about, but it can also give you a higher quality of life and actually stave off illness.

Longitudinal studies have found that people who are more fit at midlife have lower levels of chronic illnesses, such as heart failure, diabetes, Alzheimer’s disease, colon and lung cancers, as they age. Although other factors, such as heredity, play a role, in general, higher fitness levels were strongly linked with lower rates of major chronic illnesses. “Compression of morbidity” is when debilitating illness doesn’t happen until close to the end of life—and people with healthy, active lifestyles tend to have compression of morbidity.  

How’s that for paybacks?

I can tell you from personal experience that a regular, moderately challenging exercise regimen relieves stress, helps you sleep better, reduces the “aches and pains” associated with aging, and helps you to keep up with normal activities of daily life. It regulates your bowels and your moods. And simply feeling stronger and more capable physically helps you to feel more capable and in control of your life generally.

However, I will also say that maintaining a serious (and by serious, I mean regular and moderately challenging) exercise regimen is not easy. It takes time and self-discipline. It makes you sweat. It makes you breathless and it might make you sore.

Not only that, you have to approach exercise differently in your golden years than you did before. You won’t be able to just take off running without a serious warm up; you’ll have to watch your form more carefully; you’ll want to opt for low-impact exercise. Your postmenopausal exercise regimen should contain four elements:

  • Cardio. This is the aerobic stuff that gets your heart rate up, like walking fast enough that you can talk, but not sing (about 3.5 mph, which I find I can do with practice and conditioning), biking, swimming, dancing. Unless you know your joints can take it, stick with low-impact aerobics. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends two-and-a-half hours of moderately strenuous aerobic exercise per week.

Lately, high intensity interval training (HIIT) is recommended to increase the effectiveness of an aerobic workout. In this regimen you alternate bursts of higher activity, such as jogging, with a less active period, such as walking. This gives you an “afterburner” effect in which your muscles continue to burn oxygen after the period of high activity. This AARP article has a good explanation of the benefits of HIIT.

  • Strength (resistance) training. This helps you maintain muscle strength. (Remember that you lose at least 20 percent of muscle mass as you age.) You can use weights or resistance bands, body weight or exercise machines. The CDC recommends weight training 2 days per week.
  • Flexibility. Stretching and toning exercises maintain your range-of-motion and keep your tendons healthy and your joints juicy. Don’t bounce or jerk while stretching. Hold positions for at least 30 seconds and don’t stretch to the point of pain. It’s a good practice to stretch after your regular workout. Here’s a simple stretching routine from the Mayo Clinic. Yoga is fabulous for maintaining flexibility and relieving stress. (Listen to our podcast on this topic here.) It also counts as strength training, so consider joining a class once or twice a week.
  • Balance. Balance is another capacity that diminishes with age, but it’s important to maintain because injury from falls is common and serious. Tai chi is a great discipline to improve balance, but so are simple exercises, such as standing on one foot, unassisted, for 10 seconds or standing first on tiptoe and then heels—simple exercises you can do every day.

Arguably, the hardest part about exercise is getting started. If you have any health conditions that might limit your activity, such as high blood pressure or arthritis, you need to talk with your doctor about what exercises you should and shouldn’t do.

Ideally, you should find a gym with classes or a trainer to get you started—to make sure you’re using correct form, and to show you how to use the machines. Yoga or Tai chi classes with experienced teachers are fantastic and motivational for establishing an exercise regimen.

Get on your mat every day.If this isn’t practical or possible for you, you might turn to the internet for videos and programs. You want substance, knowledgeable leaders, and safety, not razzle-dazzle. Try Fitness Blender (free workout videos and programs for all levels of fitness), Daily Burn, ($15/month; variety of workouts, including yoga, tailored to age and fitness level) or Yoga Today ($15/month with a discount for yearly membership; many workouts tailored to fitness level).

The next hardest part of an exercise regimen is continuing. You will miss days; you will have days in which you don’t work as hard as you should. After a few missed sessions, starting again is hard. That’s just how it goes. You start over; you don’t quit.

Part of the battle is finding a program that works for you—one that is varied, challenging (you are progressively lifting heavier, going longer and faster), but that isn’t killing you. Soreness is good; pain is bad. Move carefully without overextending or snapping joints. Always warm up and cool down.

This is your new normal: a clean diet, a daily exercise regimen that alternates weight training and aerobic exercise and incorporates stretching and balance segments.

I promise you that every ounce of effort invested in a healthy diet and regular exercise will return to you many-fold in a much higher quality of life now and in lower risk of chronic illness down the road. Let me know how it goes and send me any questions you may have. This stuff is too important to overlook.  

December 26, 2016

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One Year to Better Sex

The Art and Science of Resolutions You Can Keep (Sexually Speaking)

What is it about that first, unblemished day of a new year? The first white page of a journal? The hush that follows merrymaking; the pause before the quotidian rushes in again?

I’ve always loved that moment of held breath after one year ends and before the next begins. For me, it’s a day (or, more realistically, an hour) of reflection when I remember, take stock and my own measure, of what the year has brought, and how I’ve responded to it.  

Resolutions, however? Not so good.

Turns out, there’s a bit of art and science to resolution-making—a few principles that increase our odds of success. In the spirit of helping us all out to a solid start, let’s explore ways to make our resolutions stick. (Success is always affirming.)

And secondly, instead of resolutions focused on self-improvement, let’s explore resolutions that focus on relationship-improvement.


Don't give in. Get up and start again.Far be it from me to diminish the value of losing weight (#1 on the list of New Year’s resolutions for 2015) or of “staying fit and healthy” (#5), but I would suggest that, in addition to these worthy goals, you get a lot of bang for the buck when you work on your sex life. According to relationship consultant Dr. Sheryl Kingsberg, a good sexual relationship adds significant value to a relationship (15-20 percent), whereas a poor one actually drains a relationship significantly and negatively (50-70 percent).

Since only 8 percent of the people who make resolutions actually achieve them, let’s look at ways to beat those dismal odds.  

  1. Make it fun. The good thing about improving our intimate relationship is that it doesn’t have to be a grinding exercise in self-discipline. In fact, it shouldn’t be. You want to tickle the most primitive pleasure centers in your brain—the part that eons of evolution fine-tuned so that sex is pleasurable and intimacy is deeply satisfying. So, for this resolution at least, a light touch and playful intent is better than acts of will and grim resolve.
  2. Make it specific. Grandiose is good but measurable is better. Dr. Paul Marciano, author of Carrots and Sticks Don’t Work, advocates SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, and Time-bound. What this might look like vis-à-vis our sex life is: This month I will improve my pelvic health by using vaginal moisturizer daily and a few reps of kegels four times a day. Or: I will notice at least one thing I like about my partner every day, and I will express appreciation for it. Or: I will suggest one new position for us to try each month. Or: We will reserve two evenings a month for a romantic date.
  3. Be realistic. I had a friend who would periodically go on an extremely rigorous regimen of weight loss and exercise. She’d cut out all sugar and strictly limit caloric intake; she’d walk four miles every day, and she’d do this for month. She’d lose weight and look great. But inevitably, the sheer difficulty of her regimen was its undoing. She couldn’t keep it up. So, she’d crash and burn with the same intensity, putting all the weight back on and then some. It was painful to watch.

Even with something that’s supposed to be light-hearted, like improving your sex life, you should realistically assess what is likely to work for both you and your partner. Maybe planning a romantic evening at home would work better than a night out. If your partner isn’t entirely on board, maybe you’ll work on your own sexual health and subtly introduce changes

  1. Write it down. Or better yet, get your partner’s suggestions and buy-in, so both of you are involved. Resolutions are more likely to be successful when you’ve made a verbal or written commitment.
  2. Persevere. Of course your resolve will wax and wane. Of course you’ll forget about your date night or run out of nice things to notice about your partner. We are all inextricably pulled back toward the dog path. We are all tempted by that niggling voice that whispers, you’ve already missed two months. Just give up.

 Don’t give in. Get up and start again. That’s the very essence of discipline—keeping on.

Next January 1, when you reflect on the year just passed, I hope you can derive some quiet pleasure in having moved the intimacy needle a bit and generally banked some points in your sexual wellbeing account.


 

December 19, 2016

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Tips for a Romantic Post-Holiday Getaway

Continuing with our series of tips for holiday sanity, and even enjoyment, this is the most fun suggestion of all: Schedule a quick, romantic getaway for after the holidays to re-connect with your honey and get some downtime in a sweetly unfamiliar place.

You want to keep the emphasis on the fun and not get carried away with anything elaborate and expensive. A weekend away with minimal planning increases the chance that you’ll actually do it—no good excuses, and it’s easy to find someone to check in on the cat.

A quickie in midwinter can be especially economical and especially delightful. You’ll encounter a laid-back and welcoming atmosphere that’s lacking in the midst of summer tourist season. You’ll also encounter off-season rates.

Give yourself a treat.I fondly recall a midwinter weekend in a tourist town near my West Michigan home. Yes, some places were closed for the season, but the rest of the town was just as scenic and beautiful in winter. We eavesdropped on local chatter in the diner and neighborhood pub that had been crawling with tourists just a few months before.

So, here’s my down-and-dirty guide to a relaxed, relationship-rejuvenating weekend in the middle of the long winter night.

  1. Keep it simple. Vacations can be exhausting, but you’re already exhausted, so don’t engage in deficit energy spending. Don’t plan rounds of museum visits or post-holiday shopping. Don’t plan to do anything, unless both of you really want to. Make that a ground rule.
  2. Keep it local. You don’t want to add an 8-hour drive to both ends of your weekend. Unless you live in the middle of the Badlands, you probably already know about cool places within a few hours—maybe a B&B you always wanted to visit or a quaint town with a couple good restaurants and a sweet vibe.
  3. Make it about the two of you. You don’t have a lot of time, so make it count. One nice meal. A few nice bottles of your favorite beverage. You can always stream a sweet or sexy or even erotic movie in your room. Don’t forget your toys, lubes, and oils.
  4. Get your sexy on. Don’t go overboard. (See #1) But a new camisole can make you feel like a million bucks. A nice lotion or essential oil on your skin. A shave. The little things.
  5. Only pillow talk. Don’t bring up anything more challenging than what movie to watch or whether to go out for dinner or order room service. Lay unpleasantries firmly aside. There’ll be plenty of time for the serious stuff when you get back.
  6. Create memories. Bring a favorite playlist or a wine you both love or a movie that’s significant. Pack a few favorite snacks. You could bring photo albums of Christmases past to browse through.
  7. Just do it. Don’t overthink. Don’t plan. Don’t put it off, or your calendar will fill up. Pick an inviting location nearby; pick a weekend; make a reservation; go!

Keep the emphasis on the fun.You are now approaching the crescendo of holiday preparation. Give yourself a treat to look forward to. A weekend getaway won’t break the bank but will ease both of you out of the post-holiday, wintertime blues. And maybe just knowing you have this special weekend on the calendar will remind you to be more gentle with each other during the holiday frenzy.

December 12, 2016

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self-care ›  


Tips for a Stress-Free Holiday (Really!)

Yeah, I know. The last thing you need right now is another list of ways to avoid stress during the holidays. The mere thought of another list is stressful all by itself.

Pay attention to what you're doing this moment.I don’t cotton to holiday de-stress lists, either. That’s why I combed through dozens of tips from experts and ordinary folks to winnow out what I think are the best, most truly helpful holiday reminders. I’m betting that something on this list will truly make your life easier and your spirit more joyous. Most of the suggestions even have some science behind them, which always makes me happy.

For the mind and emotions
  1. Cultivate gratitude. If you develop an attitude of gratitude (as they say), you’ll find yourself in a happier place. This is more substantial than simply counting your blessings (although that works, too). You can be generous; you can be large of spirit. This is necessary soul-work and deserves attention at any time of year, but this season of hyper-consumption is a good time for a reality check. Do a shift in a soup kitchen or a food pantry. Be a Salvation Army bell-ringer. Deliver Christmas baskets to the less fortunate. Giving money is important, too, but it doesn’t pack the life-affirming power of face-to-face contact.  
  2. Be non-judgmental. Before Uncle Bob begins his NRA rant or Aunt Millie makes not-so-sotto-voce comments about your grandchildren, prepare your mind. These are the people with whom you share the planet and your DNA. You aren’t going to change them, so you might as well adjust yourself. Practice a benign attitude of acceptance. A glass of wine also helps.
  3. Visualize. What one word describes what you hope for this holiday season? Peace? Serenity? Acceptance? Love? Write it on a card (or several) and tape it to the bathroom mirror. This is your holiday guide and mantra.
  4. Be mindful. We wrote about this in a previous post, but its impact on stress-reduction can’t be overstated. Pay attention to what you’re doing this moment. When you get to a holiday task you enjoy, decorating cookies or the tree, maybe, tackle it with focused attention and just enjoy the heck out of it.
  5. Smell citrus. The lemon-y scent of citrus smells clean, but it also increases norepinephrine—a mood stabilizer and stress-reducing hormone. Rub some lemon or orange essential oil under your nose or carry a hankie dabbed with the scent for a dose of feel-better. Use it as aroma therapy during the holidays.
For the body.
  1. Exercise. Holidays are a black hole for shrugging off daily routines. Who has time to exercise? That’s exactly why it’s so important. Exercise is critical during stressful times because it gooses our system with feel-good endorphins and increases energy levels. Getting outdoors for a walk or jog amplifies the effect.
  2. Go natural. Research shows that patients with a view of the outdoors heal faster. It also reduces stress. So, open the curtains; flood your house with natural light; and bring the outdoors in with pine boughs, holly berries, and essential oils. Go outside and gather your own for a double exposure.
  3. Eat moderately. You can certainly enjoy every morsel of holiday fare—just don’t get carried away. You know how you’ll feel after a night or several of overindulgence—and the morning of January 2 will be very, very bleak indeed. Once again, practice mindfulness. Pay attention to the colors, tastes, and delicious holiday smells. You’ll be less likely to blindly put things in your mouth, and you’ll enjoy what you do put there a lot more.   
  4. Sleep. It’s hard to turn off the mental hamster wheel that you’ve been running on all day. But good sleep is essential to good functioning, and bad sleep is a total killjoy, as we all know. There’s a well-developed science of sleep hygiene. Here are a couple of safe natural sleep aids: Chamomile has been used to aid sleep aid for hundreds of years. What is more soothing that a hot mug of chamomile tea before bed? Melatonin is a hormone that helps regulate your sleep/wake cycles. Some people find that 5 mg. of melatonin before bed helps them feel sleepy and fall asleep faster. It’s safe, inexpensive, and easily found in pharmacies.
  5. Touch. What is it about loving touch? Research shows that touch releases dopamine and oxytocin—both soothing, mood-altering hormones. You don’t have to go all the way to home base (but if you do, sex is a great stress-reliever as well); just a gentle hug, shoulder massage; quick kiss helps put the moment in perspective. Don’t neglect the power of touch this season.
For your sanity
  1. Clean house. No, not you. Get your house deep-cleaned early in December. You’ll love knowing that the dust bunnies no longer live under the beds and that you’re ready for drop-in guests and family overnights at any moment.
  2. Simplify. Ditch fussy traditions. Lower your expectations. Spend less. The point is to enjoy the time with family and friends and to savor the sensual beauty of the holiday. The contemporary focus on fancy gifts and decorations and a whirlwind of parties is distracting and exhausting. Just say “no” to the distractions from the true spirit of the holidays.
  3. Watch a Christmas classic. For an enjoyable break, gather whatever family is available and settle in with hot chocolate and popcorn to watch your favorite Christmas movie, whether it’s Charlie Brown or Miracle on 34th Street. You can’t go wrong with an easy and heartwarming evening like this.

 

 

December 06, 2016

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about middlesexmd ›   intimacy ›   self-care ›  


Tips for a Merry Sexy Christmas

Holidays are a booby trap for intimacy.Holidays are a booby trap for intimacy. So much to do; so little time: cards, cooking, cleaning, decorating, gifting, partying, shopping, visiting. Makes me exhausted just to think about it! Little wonder, then, that the first casualty of holiday celebrating is usually our closest relationship. It’s just too easy, either to vent our stress on our significant other or to ignore the daily interactions and kindnesses that lubricate the wheels of intimacy.

So, to help keep those wheels humming despite the holiday frenzy, let’s explore a few creative ways to share the love with your honey. Actually, when you think about it, Christmas is delightfully sprinkled with sexy innuendo. So let’s think about it.

  1. Hang mistletoe. In the midst of all the hustle-bustle, this sweet tradition is an opportunity to acknowledge your one-and-only in a quick and undemanding way. You can hang it in a high-traffic area or over door to your boudoir, or both. It’s not (necessarily) foreplay; it’s just a gentle reminder of the important thing you have between you.
  2. Speaking of kisses… Christmas is all about chocolate, which, by the way, is a known aphrodisiac. Don’t overdue (too much of a good thing kills the mood, trust me), but do indulge in some sweet surrender. Maybe a few dark chocolate kisses on the pillow?
  3. Be a secret Santa. Okay, so this takes a little more time, but it’s a lot of fun. Surprise your lover with thoughtful little gifts and reminders during the entire season. Slip a bit of lingerie in a card and mail it to him. Send a surprise basket of fruit and chocolate to his work. Send random love notes or sexts. Movie tickets or a reservation to a favorite restaurant. The goal is just to add some sweetness and spice to his day and to let him know you’re thinking of him.
  4. Lighten up your load. Nothing kills the joy of the season like a snappish, exhausted partner. Unfortunately, holidays are a black hole for overcommitment. Make a resolution early to prioritize your sanity, health, and intimate relationship during the holiday. If you’re facing a juggernaut of things to do, I’m proposing that it’s absolutely possible to cut back. Do you really have to send a hundred cards? Do all the closets really need cleaning? I know you’ve made springerle every year since time immemorial, but maybe a new generation needs to pick up the slack. Use that time for a special evening with your honey. Or a nap.
  5. Fire and lights. I don’t know about you, but there’s something magical and intimate about a room lit by a cozy fire and Christmas lights. Chill a bottle of chardonnay, prepare a plate of beautiful exotic aphrodisiacs—avocado, figs, pomegranate, chocolate. Lay a quilt in front of the fire and let the evening unfold.
  6. Create your Christmas playlist. Don’t forget the music while you’re lounging by the fire. You have downloaded a special playlist of classic crooners, haven’t you? Nothing like a little Frank Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Dean Martin as an unobtrusive background to your special time together.
  7. Make a treasure chest. Collect a bunch of sexy surprises and put them in a fun, special X-box. Lock it and let him keep the key. When sex needs some extra fizz, he can unlock the box. This could include sexy reading or a movie, candles, bubble bath, kinky toys. Shop our store for high-quality lubes and vibrators.
  8. Use sock monkeys. You read that right. A humorous and creative item for your treasure chest is this book, which is a pictorial depiction of Kama Sutra positions demonstrated by sock monkeys. Include a couple sock monkeys of your own and you’re off to the races, or treetops. Sex with a side of humor.
  9. Color yourself red. Red is the color of Christmas. It’s also the color of sex. According to numerous studies, when either men or women wear red, they are seen as more interesting, sexy, and attractive than people wearing other colors. Inject a touch of science to your sexy holiday. Maybe red silk sheets? Maybe some attractive red lingerie?
  10. Get away for the weekend. There is nothing more relaxing and luxurious than an overnight (or more) in a special place where you can pamper yourselves and celebrate your love. This could be a reward for surviving the holiday, or a mid-December treat if you can swing it.

I hope this list gives you some ideas to work from. If nothing else, I hope you resolve to navigate this special season with an eye to preserving your own peace of mind and nurturing your relationship.

 

 

 

 

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