Head over Heels: A Little Primer

In the last post, I ran up the flag for oral sex—mostly as a way of keeping our repertoire broad and deep as we and our partners face age-related issues with sexual sensitivity and/or function. After all, there are many ways to skin this particular cat.

But, as with any kind of sex, a little technique and creativity can put some spice into what too often devolves into a boring routine. All the tricks in the world, however, can’t take the place of communication and some interest and even excitement about the task at, um, hand.

Some level of communication is fundamental to sexual play and exploration. You can encourage: “I love it when you do that.” You can ask: “Does this feel good?” “What would you like better?” And you can pay attention to non-verbal cues: breathing, muscle tension, sounds, movement.

I’d also like to emphasize that, while it’s good to push your boundaries, if any part of sexual exploration feels really uncomfortable or off-putting, you don’t have to go there. We all have lines, and it’s important for both partners both to draw them and to respect them. But don’t just draw lines, continue to look for ways to keep the intimacy alive.

I’ve had women tell me that fellatio (oral sex on men) gave them a sense of empowerment, because they were controlling the action. By the same token, it gives the guy a break—he’s not in charge, plus he still has a good view of the action, which can be its own kind of turn-on.

With loving attention and communication on the front burner, here are some ways to change up your oral sex technique.

  • Take it slow. Don’t go for broke right away—let momentum build. Start with sensitive areas at the periphery—belly, inner thighs, buttocks. Use light touch, blow, kiss, lick. Take your time.
  • Move in. When you get to the genitals, keep the action soft and slow at first. Cup his testicles in your hand or mouth. Slide your tongue up the shaft of his penis. The frenulum is a particularly sensitive spot on the underside of the penis where the shaft meets the head. Tease a little before you commit.
  • Take a break. If your jaw gets tired, use your hands or your tongue to keep the action going.
  • Cool off. For a surprising change of pace, take a drink of ice water. The change of temperature is startling.
  • Heat and spice. Don’t keep doing the same old thing while you’re in warm-up mode. Use different sensations, change the speed and the rhythm. Build up to a firm, steady rhythm. Even if he isn’t totally erect, he can still orgasm and ejaculate.
  • Avoid the gag. You don’t have to deep-throat. Use your hand on his shaft and only take the head of his penis in your mouth. Then, you can suck or use your tongue creatively while stroking the rest with your hand.
  • Swallow—or not. You’ve probably already settled this, but if you don’t want to swallow his ejaculate, you can tell him to warn you just before he comes.
  • Hold him gently afterward.

Of course, the need for skill and technique apply equally to cunnilingus (oral sex on female genitalia). If your partner could use some coaching, slip him the highly rated “essential guidebook to oral sex,” She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner.

Women whose men have taken it to heart (and to bed) give it rave reviews.

Kerner also has a female guide to men’s sexuality, which includes pointers on oral sex: Passionista: The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man.

Now that you have your required bedtime reading, maybe you want to give each other an occasional pop quiz.

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