In the last post, I ran up the flag for oral sex—mostly as a way of keeping our repertoire broad and deep as we and our partners face age-related issues with sexual sensitivity and/or function. After all, there are many ways to skin this particular cat.
But, as with any kind of sex, a little technique and creativity can put some spice into what too often devolves into a boring routine. All the tricks in the world, however, can’t take the place of communication and some interest and even excitement about the task at, um, hand.
Some level of communication is fundamental to sexual play and exploration. You can encourage: “I love it when you do that.” You can ask: “Does this feel good?” “What would you like better?” And you can pay attention to non-verbal cues: breathing, muscle tension, sounds, movement.
I’d also like to emphasize that, while it’s good to push your boundaries, if any part of sexual exploration feels really uncomfortable or off-putting, you don’t have to go there. We all have lines, and it’s important for both partners both to draw them and to respect them. But don’t just draw lines, continue to look for ways to keep the intimacy alive.
I’ve had women tell me that fellatio (oral sex on men) gave them a sense of empowerment, because they were controlling the action. By the same token, it gives the guy a break—he’s not in charge, plus he still has a good view of the action, which can be its own kind of turn-on.
With loving attention and communication on the front burner, here are some ways to change up your oral sex technique.
Of course, the need for skill and technique apply equally to cunnilingus (oral sex on female genitalia). If your partner could use some coaching, slip him the highly rated “essential guidebook to oral sex,” She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner.
Women whose men have taken it to heart (and to bed) give it rave reviews.
Kerner also has a female guide to men’s sexuality, which includes pointers on oral sex: Passionista: The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man.
Now that you have your required bedtime reading, maybe you want to give each other an occasional pop quiz.