“I can tell you the movements he’s going to make step-by-step. He can get me off, but it’s sex. It’s not making love.”
--quoted by Marta Meana, Ph.D., University of Nevada, Las Vegas, “When Feeling Desire Is Not Enough: Investigating Disincentives to Sex”
If I had a nickel for every woman with this complaint, I could retire tomorrow. According to Dr. Meana and others who study female sexuality, boredom is the second biggest disincentive to sex in married women. But of all the sexual challenges, this one is the most fun—because the cure requires creativity, lightheartedness, and the willingness to play.No matter how red-hot the passion once was, over time it’s bound to cool to glowing embers. Left unattended for years, however, that flame will begin looking more like gray ash. Doctors and counselors—and your girlfriends—all have recipes for bringing the romance back into your relationship. I’m not trying to reinvent the wheel, but here are some suggestions I’ve gathered from various sources that look like fun to me. I would, however, encourage you to take the initiative in this endeavor to reinvigorate your sex life. It’s too easy to take a passive “hurry up and get it over” attitude. You’re half the partnership, so you bear some of the responsibility for your love life. You can be more forthcoming with what feels good to you and what you’d like to try. I’m betting that your partner will be pleasantly surprised and willing to try.
- Spend time together doing nonsexual things. For women “it's not what happens in the bedroom—their desire arises when they are interacting with their partner, just touching, talking, when they go on a hike or a picnic, that starts to get them sexually interested,” said Patricia Koch, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Biobehavioral Health & Women's Studies at Pennsylvania State University in a recent article. The first step, then, in rekindling the flame is to become romantically reconnected outside the bedroom.
- Try self-stimulation. This may sound counterintuitive, but the idea is to “get your head in the game,” not to create a substitute for sex as a couple. Sometimes masturbation can reignite that spark of sexual interest that leaves you wanting more.
- Talk about what you like and what you want to try. As a more mature woman, you know what you want; you’re more confident in asking for it. Maybe your partner has some idea to try as well.
- Break the mold. No doubt, routine is boring. New places, positions, accessories, and techniques are an antidote to routine. Check out our website for suggestions or this list of romantic movies. Read an erotic book together. You’re only limited by your imagination.
- Keep it light. This should be a fun exploration, not a do-or-die ordeal. The goal is to expand your sexual repertoire as a couple, to pleasure each other, to reconnect both sexually and emotionally. You aren’t trying to become sexual athletes or to experience orgasm every time.
Dr. Barb DePree, M.D., has been a gynecologist and women’s health provider for almost 30 years and a menopause care specialist for the past ten.