Reading between the Lines

I have a lot of conversations with women about sex, given my line of work. And, because of that little pink “Ask Dr. Barb” button on our website, I get some cryptic emails, too. Sometimes I have to read between the lines, both in person and online, to understand what the situation—and therefore the question—might be.

One recent email referred to male partners who were not especially “gifted.” As I think about it, I suspect that my correspondent was wondering about her own orgasm—or her failure to experience it. That’s not the topic we corresponded about, since she went on to ask a different question, but because I’m sure that woman is not alone, let me lay it out here.

In spite of the passionate scenes we see in movies, most of us—70 percent—don’t experience orgasm during intercourse without additional stimulation. For most of us, it’s the clitoris that’s the key to orgasm, and most positions for intercourse just don’t provide enough stimulation. There are other sources of stimulation that can lead to orgasm—some of us have very sensitive nipples, for example, and some of us have found success with the G-spot.

It’s rare for a partner, whether “gifted” or not, to be psychic; and most women I know would prefer that their partner not be too widely experienced in the varieties of women’s responses. And that’s why I encourage women to know their own bodies, exploring either on their own or in the presence of their partners (many of whom find the experience quite erotic, by the way). Vibrators have proven to be very effective in clitoral stimulation; adding internal stimulation is helpful for about a third of us.

When you find what works for you, you can give your partner some suggestions, which will be much appreciated. (If, by the way, you’re wondering whether you’ve experienced an orgasm, keep exploring. You’ll know when you have.)

Ninety-six percent of us can experience orgasm. Be assured of that and relax. Being focused on that goal can inhibit your ability to achieve it. And let’s affirm one more time that sex can be pleasurable without orgasm, too, for the intimacy you share with your partner, for the feeling of wholeness and power it gives you.

Another email exchange—with a woman who experienced her first orgasm at 70—confirms that it’s never too late.