Ringing the Love Button

Maybe you gathered from last week's post that the clitoris is command central of the female orgasm. Perched atop the labia minora, its sole purpose and function is sexual pleasure. It has more nerve endings than the penis, and—although affected by conditions that reduce blood supply—it can retain sensitivity as you age.

Most of the clitoris is out of sight, extending deep within and around your vagina and labia. “The most recent anatomical research suggests that the clitoris is perhaps better described as the 'clitoral complex,' where the vagina, urethra, and clitoris all function as a unit rather than as individual parts," says Dr. Debby Herbenick, in this article for Men’s Health.

Unlike the penis, the clitoris can orgasm repeatedly without a refactory (rest) period. Clitoral orgasms also last from between 10 to 30 seconds and involve from 3 to 15 contractions, which can reach from the abdomen to the vagina.

So, rather than creating artificial divisions and hierarchies between whether an orgasm is vaginal or clitoral, why not view the whole area as one big erogenous zone? Clitoral orgasms involve the vagina and vice versa, so neither is “better” or more desirable. Every orgasm is right on the money. Use what works, rather than focusing on the vagina, which as you know, can get a little cranky right about now.

And if you can coach your partner on some clitoral finesse, lovemaking could take on a whole new dimension.

Let’s return to the fact that the clitoris, as we mentioned before, is “homologous” to a penis—it has the same biological features. Thus, it has to be treated gently. Too much or too rough and it’ll either hurt or go numb. So start slow and gentle.

To begin, use lube on your fingers. (Your partner’s tongue is great.) Start a vibrator on low. The glans (head) is usually too sensitive to touch directly, so stroke the hood over the top of the glans, stroke around the labia minora and the vaginal vestibule. Stroke inner thighs, breasts, nipples. Use round and round and over the top motion on the clitoris.

For the partner: Tongue action on and around the clitoris is very erotic. Done well, it can make her “come” all by itself. Don’t jump into action. Get things warmed up with your best foreplay action.

Then, with lubed fingers begin a gentle, playful massage downtown—gently stroke her inner labia, across, over and around her clitoris. As your partner becomes aroused, slide between her legs and begin using your tongue, licking firmly up the tiny shaft of the clitoris, using separate strokes at first. Vary the action with quick darting motions on the exposed glans or by flicking her clitoris with your tongue. Begin using a firmer, continual stroke without breaking contact until she begins to orgasm.

You can then quickly move to penis-in-vagina action until you orgasm, or you can cup her “mound” with the palm of your hand, applying gentle pressure to her clitoris, which feels very comforting.

You don’t have to go crazy with the tongue action (how exhausting that would be!). Set the scene well with foreplay; keep the action gentle and varied, increasing both the frequency and firmness as she becomes aroused. Some handwork on her breast and nipples helps. And remember, practice makes perfect!

Good positions to increase clitoral contact during sex include the faithful missionary but with the partner pressing down to engage the clit. Either partner can reach the clitoris if she’s on top or in the rear entry position. “There's no need to be overly fancy during sex—the very best positions are the ones that focus on the clitoris,” says author and sexologist Dr. Logan Levkoff.

Finally, the clitoris needs good blood flow to be its best orgasmic self—and orgasms boost the immune system, support a healthy sleep cycle, and help keep your hormones balanced. You can keep clitoral blood flow through:

• Exercise. “Twenty minutes of moderate exercise increases a woman's genital engorgement by 168 percent—and the effect persists for hours,” writes Weed. Go for a walk with your partner, she suggests.
• Sex and masturbation. It’s the whole “use it or lose it” dichotomy. You have to keep the tissues plumped and primed or they atrophy, especially as you age.