This is such a tough question. I brought one of our advisors, Mary Jo Rapini into the conversation, since she's a therapist who often deals with this issue.
Two things we think it's very important for you to know: First, you are not alone. Porn addictions are becoming a very frequently seen issue in Mary Jo's practice. Second, this isn't really about you, so, as hard as it might be, do everything you can to recognize your partner's problem and work hard at feeling good about yourself.
Your partner may have sex fantasies that he isn't able to tell you about; he may not know how to talk about sex or sexuality. Pornography is so easily available--and requires no face-to-face contact, so it's easy to keep an addiction going and very difficult to combat it.
Both Mary Jo and I recommend couples therapy if your husband is willing, and counseling for you if he's not so you have support in seeing the situation clearly--and yourself as a worthy and lovable person!
Mary Jo has more resources on her website, starting with this article: "When Porn Gets in the Way."
Dr. Barb DePree, M.D., has been a gynecologist and women’s health provider for almost 30 years and a menopause care specialist for the past ten.
2 comments
Sometimes it’s not because the wife isn’t interested in certain sex acts, it’s because she isn’t interested in any sex act at all. So it’s not preferring porn over his wife, it’s preferring porn to nothing at all.
I know of one middle-age couple in this situation. His wife is OK with it because apparently she prefers his watching porn to “get it out of his system” to him pestering her for sex, or going out and having affairs.
The most surprising thing to me about their situation is that he’s fine with it too. So, maybe if you combine the two “problems” — a wife with no sexual desire, and a porn addicted husband — nobody complains and it can be a good relationship? Wouldn’t work for me.
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