It’s interesting to me how many patients who come to me with concerns about diminishing libido are there because of their husbands or long-time partners. These lucky women have a great relationship with a great person, and they don’t want anything, including their own lack of sexual desire, to jeopardize it.
I respect that. I think that the desire to keep a long and satisfying relationship intact is a good reason to want to want to have sex.
I also believe that a lot of women in this situation sell themselves short. They think that because their partners want to have sex more often than they do themselves, there is something “wrong” that they need to “fix.” Often, it’s just a matter of timing.
Being “in the mood” for sex comes more easily to men. A man who is physically healthy and capable of an erection is almost always in the mood. Men are wired to go from zero to sixty on nothing more than a flash of leg or a lingering kiss. Women, on the other hand, tend to rely more on emotional or intellectual stimuli to reach a state of physical desire. And that takes time.
My advice? Get out your trusty planner and schedule a date for sex. Think of it as extended foreplay. If you schedule a week in advance, you’ll have days to think about your date night--what you’ll wear, what he might say about what you’ll wear, how he will want to take whatever you’ll wear off you. You’ll have time to buy some candles, choose a new aromatic massage oil.
Most importantly, because you’ll have to synch your calendar with your lover’s, you’ll have time to anticipate and talk about sex with each other, to make the crucial emotional and intellectual connection that helps both of you get in the mood for physical intimacy.
Some people dismiss scheduled sex as unromantic or think that deep physical attraction has to be “spontaneous.” I think it’s important to distinguish between sex that happens spontaneously (which can be very nice!) and sex that includes creativity and spontaneity in the act of making love (also very nice!). Think of scheduling sex as a way of insuring that you and your partner have a space and time where spontaneous acts of love and erotic play can occur.
Dr. Barb DePree, M.D., has been a gynecologist and women’s health provider for almost 30 years and a menopause care specialist for the past ten.