Maybe your last child left home, as mine just did this fall. Maybe you (or your partner) retired. Maybe your partner became ill. The catalyst could be one of many life events, or it could simply be the realization of time passing, but at some point you look at your partner and realize that you’ll be spending the rest of your lives alone together.
Do you need to hit the “reset” button?
Life passages tend to elicit examination and reassessment. These bittersweet moments give you an opportunity to readjust and re-evaluate. They give you a second (and third, and fourth…) chance to get things right. You tend to be more receptive to feedback and direction during those times. You tend to be less complacent.
Chances are that after years of distraction—raising a family, building a career—your relationship needs some attention, and that includes the sex. “Sex is always where the grit of a relationship settles,” writes a reader to the UK’s Globe and Mail. In that sense, sex is like the canary in the coal mine—an early warning system that all may not be so copacetic in the relationship.
So, how is your sex life? Robust and satisfying? Routine and uninspiring? Or is it non-existent? If your answer falls into the “boring” or “non-existent” categories, it’s time to reset.
“When sex drops off there’s a lot more at stake than missing out on pleasure,” says Joan Sauers, author of Sex Lives of Australian Women. “A healthy sex life is critical to the survival of a relationship. Without it, our happiness and overall health can suffer.”
Begin with reflection. Is infrequent, boring, or non-existent sex perhaps an indication of deeper trouble—entrenched lack of communication, trust, or respect? Is it due to physical changes or limitations that you haven’t risked discussing? In this case, hitting the “reset” button should include some honest soul-searching with your partner and maybe some sessions either with a sex therapist or a marriage counselor. Simply addressing the sexual issues without tackling the underlying problem is like painting over rotten wood. The veneer won’t hold for very long.
However, working to improve your sex life ipso facto improves the relationship as well, because both rely on intimacy, connection, and communication. “Keeping things interesting outside of the bedroom also plays an important part in keeping things exciting in the bedroom,” writes Rhegan Lundborg, sex and relationships expert for the Omaha Examiner. “Doing new and fun things completely outside of the bedroom can be a great way to reconnect emotionally as well as take sole focus off the sex and just spend time enjoying each others company.”
Focus on reconnecting. In a quiet, intimate surrounding, reminisce about the day you met, your first kiss, what attracted you to your partner. Go through a photo album together. Talk about key moments in your relationship—adventures you shared, challenges you got through. Few people in your life know you as well as this person. That’s a rare and precious treasure. Make time to appreciate it.
From memories, move on to fantasies. In a perfect world, what would you like to accomplish or experience together—or separately? What’s still important?
Don’t be stingy with the sugar. Express approval. Say thank you. Notice the small ways your partner is thoughtful.
It takes time and careful tending to reignite a flame. As you rebuild intimacy on other levels, communication about your sexual connection could follow naturally. Or you may have to initiate the conversation when the time is right. Or—you may have to initiate the conversation with professional help.
Start the conversation in a safe, accepting, non-judgmental space. You both are likely to be experiencing changes, whether physical or emotional. You may have fears; you may be vulnerable. And you may also have fantasies—things you’d like to try but never had the guts to ask.
Isn’t it time to hit the “reset” button and get this conversation started?
Dr. Barb DePree, M.D., has been a gynecologist and women’s health provider for almost 30 years and a menopause care specialist for the past ten. Read more about and from her here.