While writing about intimacy (remember the five ingredients of our recipe for enjoying sex after 40?), we came across a study seeking to understand what people consider to be Great Sex. That is, when we talk about Great Sex, what are we talking about?
In the study, authors Peggy J. Kleinplatz, A. Dana Menard, Marie-Pierre Paquet, Nicolas Paradis, Meghan Campbell, Dino Zuccarino, and Lisa Mehak, interviewed 44 people who self-identified as people who have Great Sex, and 20 sex therapists, folks who help guide people toward at least adequate sex. The resulting paper is entitled “The Components of Optimal Sexuality: A Portrait of `Great Sex,'” and was published last year in The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality.
The paper itself is a really interesting read, but boiling it down to stock, there are eight components of Great Sex the researchers identified:
- Being present.
- Connection.
- Deep sexual and erotic intimacy.
- Extraordinary communication.
- Exploration, risk-taking.
- Authenticity.
- Vulnerability.
- Transcendence.
What a list! We’ll make an effort to explore and consider each of these components in upcoming blog posts. But what do you think about this list? Is it complete? Does this list spell Great Sex for you? Does sex always have to be Great to be worthwhile? What attributes must be there for sex to be Adequate?
Please feel free to embellish, add to, or subtract from this list. Argue any points. Suggest different language. Would we modify the list if it were Great Sex for Women after 40? for Women after 60?
Dr. Barb DePree, M.D., has been a gynecologist and women’s health provider for almost 30 years and a menopause care specialist for the past ten.
7 comments
Hey Reka. Here’s one woman’s opinion:
I’m sorry you think you “suck” at sex. My feeling is, it’s only possible to suck at sex if you buy into the notion that there is a grading system, empirical, and established somewhere. What’s interesting about this research is that it’s just documenting people’s ideation of what Great Sex is like. It’s a bit of mud on the walls that we can use as a discussion point, that’s all. What’s NOT on the list is easily as interesting as what IS. I, personally, think our culture is a little orgasm-crazed. Orgasms are very nice, it’s true, but they’re elusive for almost all women. So to say we “suck” at sex because we don’t achieve orgasm easily is, in my opinion, the same sort of cultural brainwashing as the notion of an ideal feminine body type. Silly stuff.
I define sexual expression very loosely, from melting kisses and email flirtation all the way to intercourse. Everything counting. I would no more rate my performance at this than I would rate my performance at breathing. Where breathing and sexual expression are concerned, as long as I’m doing it, I’m alive. And that’s what counts.
I’m glad you feel you’re coming into your own sexually. Give yourself a break, and focus on what feels good. That’s the best advice I have…?
I think readers would benefit from clearer definitions of each of the eight components. Perhaps each component could be addressed in a series of posts by website contributors — Barb and Juju — or by women reading the blog.
What do they mean after all by “authenticity”? How do you achieve extraordinary communication about sex and sexual needs/desires when your partner is a meat and potatoes kind of person, NOT a risk taker? In this context, what is meant by transcendence? Some of these terms seem vague and mystical when what I need (and I’m guessing other women in my age group need) is practical advice and clarity.