Ah, summer! The sun is warm, the days are long and languid, and it has three holidays. It’s a season tailor made for spending time with the one you love, focusing on each other, and building intimacy.
While there’s nothing wrong with going to all those old familiar places, like the summer-only deck of your favorite restaurant, your time might be better spent mixing it up a little. That’s because familiarity and desire don’t always coexist happily. Couples often have to fan those flames, and the right kind of date night can help.
This summer, try applying Hollywood’s 80/20 formula: 80 percent familiar (girl meets boy) and 20 percent novel (girl happens to be a mermaid).
Choose something that the two of you have done and enjoyed in the past, but add a little (or big) twist. We’ll get you started.
Whatever it is you like to do as a couple, give it some spin, a kick in the keister. If nothing else comes to mind, try Phil and Claire’s trick. The Modern Family couple occasionally adds zing to their date night by pretending to be “Clive” and “Juliana,” two people who leave their responsibilities behind for a night of passion with “a stranger.” It may be the most ingenious solution of all to the love/desire dilemma.
Will some of this make you uncomfortable? We certainly hope so! Novelty—doing something you haven’t done before—involves risk, which leads to excitement, and can rekindle desire. It’s already July. How will you spend the rest of the summer?
Last month MiddlesexMD advisor and psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini shared some advice about how to restore your sense of sexual self after divorce. That conversation led to another, about some of the unexpected challenges we face when we re-enter the world of dating after an absence of… well, it could be decades!
My first advice for people getting back into dating after a divorce is to tread slowly. It’s a whole new world out there, and if you’ve been married for some time, the dating scene is sure to overwhelm and frighten you. You’ll know you’re ready to begin when you no longer feel like you need a partner, but would like to enjoy another’s company. When you’re lonely and riddled with pain, you don’t make a good partner; that’s not the time to look for someone. Sacrificing your own physical and emotional health to get a “fix” of feeling desired again is never a good idea. But be assured that time is only a temporary patch.
When you’re ready to start dating, tell friends and colleagues you respect that you’re looking or open to meeting new people. People you respect have respect-worthy friends; they’re usually your best option for getting a date with someone you’ll like. If you don’t have many friends, you might start by searching out groups you could join to meet other single people. Cooking classes or groups, poetry readings, church groups, plays, and sporting events all provide opportunities to connect with others who appreciate the same things you do. Being with others helps build your confidence and provides feedback about how you present and appeal to others. Being married may have enabled you to not focus on your looks, your mannerisms, and your lifestyle. Dating forces you to evaluate all of those qualities that you may have taken for granted or not explored.
Lots of people have been trying out online dating. It’s great for letting you “date” on your own time, ask a lot of questions, and get to know someone in the comfort of your own home. It’s scary because it can provide a “cover” for someone to lie, take advantage of you by saying what you want to hear, and to serial date without you knowing. You need to be cautious and smart. Online dating does give you a chance to experience dating, though, before you take a risk and actually dress up and meet up. I encourage women to focus on the experience rather than any specific outcome. I date online only vicariously—as a relationship psychotherapist—but here are the things I see helping my patients avoid problems: