You say you haven’t been able to have sex with my husband for about a year. You’ve seen a couple of health care providers: One prescribed an estrogen cream, which wasn’t effective, and the other saw nothing “physically wrong” and, since you’re not yet menopausal, recommended lubricants.
What you describe--a feeling of “tearing” or “burning” at penetration--sounds to me like the condition of vulvodynia (also know as vestibulodynia, provoked vulvodynia/vestibulodynia). The classic description is “burning and tearing” pain with penetration; other descriptors are razor blades or sandpaper-rubbing with penetration. Often, sex leaves women with this condition sore or uncomfortable. Vestibulodynia is an under-recognized cause of painful intercourse, and you’re not alone in receiving ineffective advice.
You express reservations about going to another doctor to talk about this issue. I know it’s difficult to bring up, and it doesn’t feel worth the effort if you don’t get solutions for intimacy. But you do need a provider who is familiar with vestibulodynia and knows the treatment options--because it is treatable and you can be intimate with your husband again.
I recommend finding a provider in your area through the North American Menopause Society (link to their practitioner locator here) or through the International Society of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH). If you choose to use the ISSWSH directory, note that the listing includes therapists as well, so be sure to select a physician who does clinical care and can provide the proper examination and treatment.
Please do follow through to find someone qualified to provide treatment. You don’t have to leave this part of intimacy with your husband behind.
Dr. Barb DePree, M.D., has been a gynecologist and women’s health provider for almost 30 years and a menopause care specialist for the past ten. Read more about and from her here.