Oh, I feel for you. You say you have pain (and no doubt other symptoms—like fatigue and depression) from lupus, fibromyalgia, and Sjogren’s syndrome. You see your lack of interest in sex becoming a larger problem in your marriage as the difference between your sex drive and your husband’s increases.
The first order of business is to find a health care provider with whom you can discuss this aspect of your health. The pain you mention may be generalized pain from the autoimmune conditions you have, or it may be pain with intercourse. Painful intercourse is nearly always a treatable condition, so addressing that if you experience it is critical.
The harder issue is the “desire discrepancy” you describe in your marriage. While the situation is not uncommon, your additional health issues add a degree of difficulty. Assuming any issues with painful sex have been addressed, there are some medications that can be helpful for low libido: Addyi, testosterone, and Wellbutrin, to name a few. Your health care provider can help you understand if any of these can be an option for you depending on your health history and other medications you’re taking.
For more about low libido, you can read this blog post on the emotional component and this one that includes an overview of the condition and common causes. It could be helpful to read these to have some terminology in mind when you meet with your health care provider.
The situation you describe might best be addressed with a (sex) therapist—perhaps not a dedicated sex therapist but one who has expertise in health-related relationship concerns. (Here are two blog posts on sex therapy: one I hoped would demystify it and one that explains how it works.) Your health care provider is likely to be able to direct you to someone with experience to assist you and your husband as you navigate this significant challenge.
Best of luck in reaching some common ground!
Dr. Barb DePree, M.D., has been a gynecologist and women’s health provider for almost 30 years and a menopause care specialist for the past ten.