I’m still thinking about the research that says lots of post-menopause women have sex even though it hurts. The study I read said many of them think there’s nothing that can be done—that painful sex is a normal part of being a mid-life woman.
I pick up clues to another obstacle in the e-mails I receive as Dr. Barb: We women are reluctant to include our partners in addressing difficulties with intercourse. I’m not sure why this is. Maybe we’re in denial about the changes we’re experiencing. Maybe we’re too used to being the caretakers in our households. Maybe we’re still shy about talking about our genitals and our pleasure.
If I overdo in the garden, my husband will give me a back rub. If a shipment of products for MiddlesexMD arrives after hours, he’ll help me carry the heavier boxes in. When we entertain, we clear the clutter together.
I guess I’m suggesting that you see maintaining your sexuality as the ultimate couples project. A partner who loves you will not want you to endure pain to give him pleasure; and will want you to enjoy intimacy as much as you are able.
You’ll have to talk about it—as you’d tell him where the muscles are knotted after weeding. You can send him this blog post or sit down with our website together to get the conversation moving.
He can plan to take more time to increase your arousal and natural lubrication. Together, you can use lubricant as part of foreplay to increase your comfort. The two of you can experiment with warming lubricants or a vibrator to increase your sensation. And your partner can support your work with dilators or other tools to regain your sexual health.
It’s not too much to ask. Really.
Dr. Barb DePree, M.D., has been a gynecologist and women’s health provider for almost 30 years and a menopause care specialist for the past ten.
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